Biyernes, Setyembre 28, 2012

Who's That Philosopher?

I have an old question
At this introduction:
What is Philosophy?
Answer me, answer me.

If you really don’t know
Or if you just can’t show,
Me, too, so I’m sorry—
A wrong question maybe

So let’s ask the masters
So-called philosophers
‘Bout something ‘bout something
They did ‘bout something

Starry, starry night
THALES was very bright
He could count very well
Yet fell into a well

Everything’s from water
Said the “first philosopher”
By that he meant nothing
But how the world’s existing

Next time you see a stone
And you think you’re alone
Take a deep breath and sit
Then try to drink from it

When ANAXIMANDER
Tried Thales’ water,
He said it was tasteless—
‘Cause he thirst for the “Boundless”

All of the elements
Suffer their punishments
And through the “Boundless One”
Everything had begun

Full of air! Full of air!
His dear friend didn’t care
So ANAXIMENES
Rejected the “Boundless”
Everything’s from pure air
Disagree don’t you dare
Or you may stop breathing
And find yourself dying

PYTHAGORAS thus came
A theorem was his fame:
By using triangle
You could be an angel

He’s deeply religious
And “number” was his cross
Math entails salvation—
Bad news for the moron

“Burn,” said HERACLITUS,
The man from Ephesus,
“From ever-living fire
That would never expire.”

You cannot swim twice—
‘Tis a serious advice—
Into the same river
Unless you’re a good a swimmer

Though change is so constant,
Opposites abundant,
Everything has “reason”—
Idiots are exception

Something is if it is,
Argued PARMENIDES,
But if something is not…
W.T.F., so what!?

Change is an illusion,
And there is no motion
The real is different
From what is apparent

“Don’t look,” said ZENO
“Try to think, comprendo?”
But the arrow’s coming,
Shouldn't he do something?

All this “permanence” thing
Needs deep understanding
To guide your behavior
And be your own savior

That’s why EMPEDOCLES
Thought the “many” were changeless—
Earth, air, fire, and water—
He leapt into a crater!

Things form and separate
Only through “love” and “hate”
That’s cyclical, of course,
He didn't trust in divorce

There’s ANAXAGORAS,
Who might loved agoras,
Put some “mind” in matter
And insisted for order

It’s rotary motion
That put things in action:
To be something, it is
To suffer dizziness!

The followed LEUCIPPUS,
Followed by DEMOCRITUS,
Next was hard “atom”
Moving in a vacuum

Atomists had a rule:
That one should be cheerful
“Forget about purpose!”
Said laughing Democritus

But I guess one must sense
That there’s a difference
‘Tween the old and the new
Atomistic view

The emerged the Sophists,
The great “relativists”
They teach you, and you pay,
Debate and power-play

PROTAGORAS said that
Of things that are and not,
Man is the sole measure—
For that we can be sure

And of matters moral—
They’re simply cultural;
Just a little respect
And an open intellect

Truth with capital “T”
For GORGIAS it couldn't be
There’s nothing true at all
And he’s an example

“Might is right” is alright
As long as you can fight—
This for TRASYMACHUS
Wasn't that so vicious

But the dear SOCRATES
Sought goodness, truth, justice,
And, especially, good life,
So he became a “midwife”

Knowledge equals virtue—
That applies to me and you;
Evil is ignorance—
That applies to the dunce

And because of this news,
Athenians were outrageous;
So the “gadfly” was tried
And by hemlock he died

PLATO had broad shoulder
But he was no soldier
And he, out of his form,
Made the “theory of Form”

He wrote the “Republic”
Where “Form” has some magic
To free you from the “cave”
And help you to behave

He longed to be a king,
A “Philosopher-King”
This to someone he told
As a slave he was sold

ARISTOTLE’s the name
And logic was his game
His books after “physics”
Were called “metaphysics”

He’s pulled by the power
Of the “unmoved mover”
He called it “happiness”
Through moderate choices

You, who are unable
To live with other people,
Must be god or something,
Or maybe a nothing

“So if that is the case,
What results could it raise?”
EPICURUS inquired,
From guessing he was tired

In his school/garden
All pains were forbidden
But disciplined pleasure
He would always ensure

The enjoyment of the fish?
No, that’s so foolish!
This atheist would've burst
That you should think first

ZENO, not from Elea,
Declaimed on the stoa
He called himself “stoic:”
Fearless and heroic

There were other stoics, too:
SENECA and CICERO,
Brave MARCUS AURELIUS,
And slave EPICTETUS

Fear not of extinction,
Be controlled wise person
For “god” sees everything
Except when they’re mating

“Skeptic” meant seeker
Like PYRRHO (the founder),
SEXTUS EMPIRICUS,
And strange ARCESILAUS

Mental peace or calmness
From philosophic diff’rences—
Let’s not be dogmatic
Doubt this if you’re skeptic

PLOTINUS planned for his
Own “Platonopolis”
He’s avid Platonist
And consistent theist

If God, for him, is One
And brings light like the sun,
Then God is the brightest,
But who is the dumbest?

AUGUSTINE of Hippo
Was a fan of Plato
Joined the Christian forces
And “confessed” his vices

He’s faith over reason
And God over person
“Out of nothing” and “justice”
He made his “two cities”

BOETHIUS had a long name
But others took his fame
While inside the prison
He wrote his “Consolation”

He thought philosophy
As if it was really
A woman he needed—
He was consoled, indeed

PSEUDO-DIONYSIUS
Wasn’t so ambitious:
He had such godly claims
That he knew divine names

What more could he ask for
Than enter heaven’s door
And drink some angel’s soda
Through “via negativa”

In ERIGENA’s life
He didn't go for a wife
He hoped his “super-god”
Would never make him sad

“Division of Nature”
Was a good procedure
It’s really fantastic
Sort of arithmetic(?)

And ST. ANSELM the smart
Knew deep down in his heart:
God’s the greatest being
He conceived through thinking

The fool’s said in his heart
Certainly, it is fart
Which is the least being
He conceived by smelling

Gifted AVICENA,
The thinker form Persia,
Of high intelligence
With Muslim preference

God is necessary
And “first cause” actually;
God created the “mind”
Fit to know God’s behind

AVERROES disagreed
And exposed his own creed
“God is no creator!”
Said the “commentator”

He’s famous for his cute
“Doctrine of double truth”
Indeed, he’s very wise
He considered things twice

MAIMONIDES the Jew
Stood up for his view
His “Guide of the Perplexed”
Was about..uhm…next

Next was ST. THOMAS
Also called Aquinas
Ha was born near Naples
Oh, how he loved nape-ples

He told his great idol,
The bored Aristotle,
That “laws” and “proofs” will do
To give God his “due”

‘Nless you’re Dominican
And bright theologian,
Never read his “summa”
Or suffer mental coma

A man named SCOTUS
Let his “one” God choose
According to his will
To drive the world’s wheel

But WILLIAM OF OCKHAM
Urged for cutting program:
“Avoid wordy labor
Using Ockham’s razor!”

ECKHART had a business
Located n “darkness”
It’s a nice “mystic” shop
If you find it have a stop

PICO’s “humanism”
Was pure euphemism
The truth is God forgot
To give man the right slot

Cunning MACHIAVELLI,
From Florence, Italy,
Argued that politics
Means amoral techniques

To amend for his “sins”
He voted for the “Prince”
It’s unmanly, I guess,
To choose for the “Princess”

LUTHER had some theses
Against the Pope’s abuses:
Salvation’s not for sale,
And in hell there’s no bail

“If you’re sinner,” he said
“Buy the Bible instead.”
Luther was Protestant
And much better merchant

ERASMUS could write Greek
And somewhat of a critic
He praised the priest’s “folly”
And mocked all the clergy

He said “We have free will
And faith is what we feel”
He hated every beast
‘Cause he’s a “human-ist”

MONTAIGNE wrote his “essays”
In skeptical ways:
“There’s nothing so handsome”
As to think with freedom

He’s a French, certainly’
But on the contrary
He doubted even this
And much more the French kiss

Though PASCAL’s so smart
He also had a “heart”
And his “heart” was thinking
While his brain was beating

It’s better to believe
In God and to receive—
You bet he’s a thinker
And a serious “gambler”

Since “knowledge is power”
BACON made the freezer;
Instead of the chicken,
It’s he who was frozen

The “idols of the mind”
That “ school-men” so divined—
He really hated them
As much as the chicken

In-love with geometry
HOBBES did philosophy
Lived up to ninety-one
Writing his “Leviathan”

“Man is a wolf to man”
And also to woman
To avoid foul contact,
Sign the “social contract”

“Cogito, ergo sum”
Was DESCARTES’ known dictum
He doubted everything
Except what he’s writing

He thought he’s the “father”
Or the modern founder
Of Rationalism—
But God just “deceived” him

Out of thinking business
And grinding some lenses,
Banished SPINOZA
Learned God meant “natura”

If you found his math book
Named “Ethics,” take a look
You can read it really
“In view’f eternity”

LEIBNIZ loved his “monads”
‘Cause they’re like the nomads
They’re not only homeless
But also “windowless”

Since God is very good
He cooked the “world” like food
You know God gave his “best”
You have a meal, at least.

But LOCKE used his “senses”
To gather “qualities”
Yet found himself so locked
In his “social contract”

“The mind at birth is empty;
Knowledge comes gradually”
Now it seems I get it
Some people aren't born yet

“To be,” BERKELEY believed
“Is just to be perceived.”
A thing’s non-existent
If you see it’s absent

If it hurts to the bone
When you kick a large stone,
Like the one Johnson hit,
Blame God for “seeing” it
Thought individually
Between the things you see
There’s no real “connection”—
That’s HUME’s observation

The ideas you have
And the concepts you love
Aren't “certain” effects
Caused by the objects

He denied everything
Even what he’s writing
Descartes would have said this:
“Hume’s out of his senses!”

HERBERT claimed he’s “deist”
And not just a theist
He found God through “reason”
Didn't meet him in person

VOLTAIRE liked deism
But disliked atheism
In his “dictionary”
God’s the main entry

A “philosophe” he’s one
But not a God’s fan
The “encyclopedia”
Was DIDEROT’s idea

ROUSSEAU made “confession”
‘Bout moral corruption
We need “social contract”
To freely think and act

He forced himself to be
So “chain-fully free”
Then praised the ignorant
And married a servant

Though he’s a friend of Hume’s
REID never did assume
Of doubting everything—
Not the book he’s writing

He used his commonsense
The “Scottish commonsense”
And called his friend absurd
But Hume denied the word

KANT’s a famous German
Who didn't court a woman
His mind’s “transcendental”
His appearance “critical”

He caused a revolution
And fought by “pure reason”
He died for his “duty”
And proved God moral-ly

“There are some thing we can’t
Really know,” said old Kant—
So the “thing-in-itself”
Is like “Kant-in-himself”

Oh, the brilliant HEGEL
Soared high like an eagle
So high that he opined
He’s the “Absolute Mind”

His rational mistress
“Dialectic Process”
Became the third party
In his “reality”

He lived for “Idea”
And died from cholera
So Hegel is “Being”
And Hegel is “Nothing”

While Hegel’s so lively
SCHOPENHAUER’s so gloomy
He had “sufficient reason”
For his sad condition

Life, for him, was business
With little happiness
But the true pessimist
Is the one who persists

“The world was his idea”
But not the cholera
Through music and painting
He didn't become “nothing”

For BENTHAM, “good” is this:
The greatest happiness
Of the greatest number
Of people who suffer

If you go for pleasure,
That’s rational for sure
But if you go for pain,
Something’s wrong with your brain

But MILL chose “quality”:
Not pushpin but poetry
So don’t be like a pig;
You should think and feel big

Together they’re happy
With their “utility”—
Good for moral thinking
But better for cleaning

COMTE’s own catechism
Was “positivism”:
God is humanity;
Religion’ society

He’s self-appointed “priest”
His saints were scientists
He’s looking for converts,
Or should I “Comte-verts”?

KIERKEGAARD’s “stages”
Were like Hegel’s “process”
He liked man’s “existence”
But not Hegel’s presence

“Either” he’s looking good
“Or” he’s just doing good
“Either” he praised the Lord
“Or” he’s really “absurd”

MARX’s also German
And he’s once Hegelian,
Became materialist,
Finally, communist

History’s a process:
“Struggle ‘tween the classes”
And “bloody revolution”
Was his clean solution

I know there’s a basis
When wise Marx proclaimed this:
Don’t you try religion
It leads to addiction

He sought God! He sought God!
‘Til his totally mad
But what if “God is dead”?—
Live a life NIETZSCHE said

Say “yes,” never say “no”
Be a superhero
‘Go “beyond” your “values”’
Said the godless Jesus

Use the “will-to-power”
To be your self’s “master”
Learn his philosophy,
Not his insanity

PEIRCE’s pragmatism
Was “pragmaticism”
Words must be meaningless
If there’s no “consequences”

He was so “practical”
Even more critical
But though his name was Peirce
He got nothing on his purse

“What difference would it make
If one is true or fake?”
For JAMES, pragmatism
Meant “cash-value-ism”

What “works” is true and real
And life’s based on free-will
He used his “will-to-believe”
To be well-to-receive

When done with medicine
And bored with what he’d seen
He took philosophy
And gave Peirce a penny

We need “education”
That’s DEWEY’s suggestion
His habit of acting
Was pragmatic thinking

He’s so intelligent
His mind’s an “instrument”
His values, scientific;
His goals, democratic

In case you credit him
With decimal system
His first name’s John,
He’s not the librarian

He thought in “duration”
Using “intuition”
BERGSON’s “reality”
Was full of “sympathy”

His mystical “life force”
He shared it, of course,
Through mysterious “process”
With a lady, I guess?

“One’s not isolated,”
Said the wise old WHITEHEAD
World’s “creative process”
Lies in “connectedness”

His “actual occasion”?
His deep com-“prehension”?
And his strong “nexus”?—
They’re none of your business!

Since the head was Plato,
And Whitehead was the toe—
Plato was head-noted
Whitehead was foot-noted

RUSSEL made a logic
Which he called “atomic”
Indeed, it’s really small,
So he used a “symbol”

He’s language-analyst
And he’s not a theist
Though a factual thinker,
He’s habitual smoker

Oh, the Vienna Circle,
‘Cross the English channel,
Were “circular” critics
Of bad metaphysics

CARNAP’s philosophy:
“Verifiability”
Don’t argue against this
Or be called “meaningless”

WITTGENSTEIN’s not German
But pure Austrian—
Bored of engineering,
Took philosophizing

When he’s still young and bold,
He’s logically “old;”
When his ”gay” hair turned gray,
He made new “games” to play

Indeed, he loved silence
More than meta-nonsense
And his only message:
Watch your “use” of language

AUSTIN was from Oxford
He did his thing with “word”
When he’s asked about this,
He pled for “excuses”

He watched his own language
And thought about the message:
There is philosophy
In saying “excuse me”

Phenomenology
Was HUSSERL’s pet theory
It bit his “intention”
To get his attention

When the German Nazi’s
Put him into crisis
He hugged his Jewish pet
And thought it to “bracket”

HEIDEGGER’s a student
In Husserl’s department
He liked “being-there”
Than being Heidegger

He was once a Nazi
And he admired Nietzsche
He felt himself sublime
In his “Being and Time”

One might as well take note
This-is-the-way-he-wrote
Or-translated, maybe
Her-men-uet-ic-ally

JASPER’s philosophy
Was called “philosophie”
Jasper’s existence
He called it “existenz”

It’s truly transcendent
And no mere accident
Existential thinking
Was based on spelling

Being is “subjective”—
No, it’s not “objective!”
So MARCEL’s a subject
‘Cause he’s not an object

When he was thirty-nine
He felt himself divine;
He, out of some magic,
Became a Catholic

Existentialism
Is an atheism
SARTRE lived for “freedom”
Almost ad nauseam

Sartre’s for existence
De Beauvoir’s for “essence”
‘Cause Sartre’s the first sex
De Beauvoir’s the “second sex”

He taught “consciousness,”
“Being” and “nothingness”
And the coolest would be:
“Let’s drink responsibly”

MERLEAU-PONTY’s vision
Was Marxist “perception”
Aside from his lectures
He had some “adventures”

When tired with Marxism
And Catholicism,
He turned his perception
To Sartre’s great ambition

Existentialism
Was like feminism
He’s more than a lady
When he said “I’m my body”

RYLE was sad and sorry
For Descartes’ mind-body
And he didn't want to make
A “category mistake”

But what he liked the most
Was to beat down the “ghost”
That’s like a force unseen
Living in a “machine”

Your mind and brain are one
The soul is dead and gone—
That was the final song
Of SMART and ARMSTRONG

That they’re “identical”
Is truly logical:
Arm strong had Smart
Armstrong was so smart

Computers understand?
That’s a theory so grand!
So SEARLE pushed a program
Against “computer program”

Inside a “Chinese room”
He called for AI’s doom
So robots followed Searle
Saying “Aye, aye, Searle!”

RORTY found an error
In the nature’s “mirror”
He looked for the message
But only saw an “image”

He turned to pragmatism
To make a language prism
He hailed “contingency”
And “solidarity”

If you want to read him
For his “criticism”
Hope to be “edified”
Not to be satisfied

ANSCOMBE’s virtue theory
Was about morality
It’s Aristotelian
Or maybe Wittgensteinian

Neither she’s a German
Nor she’s an Austrian
But if she’s a British,
Does it mean she’s girlish?

Nodding’s a feminist
And a moral theorist
She pushed for female “care”
About which males didn't care

CAMUS’ a journalist
And existentialist
He’s a “rebel” “stranger”
And an “absurd” writer

He looked like Humphrey Bogart
With brave Algerian heart
He, with all his soul,
Invented “rock ‘n roll”

PIRSIG’s got some IQ
And “quality’s” the “Q”
He used to have two “I’s”
And he’s insanely wise

In his bike and his yacht
There was Zen—there was not
With “Lila” in the sea
There was pure “quality”

DERRIDA’s construction
Was called “deconstruction”—
Decentering the focus
Away from the “Logos”

He set aside “binaries”
And looked for the “traces”
Written within the text
Until he’s all perplexed

Dog-like DIOGENES
Took charge of his penis
So the Greeks rebuked him
But the dogs just bit him

He’s Socrates gone mad
With Plato he gone bad
And he’s even bolder
Than Great Alexander

He’s so self-sufficient
But not mind deficient—
His freedom and frankness
Was no simple madness

FOUCAULT’s a brilliant gay
He died from AIDS they say
He defied his father
And put things in “order”

Not birth in the clinic
But “birth of the clinic”
“History of madness”
Madness of histories

Under Nietzsche’s “power”
He tried “to dig” deeper—
He found “sexuality”
And held it “care”-fully

A teacher named SARIO
Taught it’s not a virtue
To be so “arrogant”
As to forget old Kant

And he’s also Rawlsian
And too much “Aquinian”(?)—
Maybe in-love with his
Own love for Socrates

An unexamined life
Is not a human life—
I wonder now, of course,
Whether I’m just a horse