I have
an old question
At this
introduction:
What is
Philosophy?
Answer
me, answer me.
If you
really don’t know
Or if
you just can’t show,
Me, too,
so I’m sorry—
A wrong
question maybe
So let’s
ask the masters
So-called
philosophers
‘Bout
something ‘bout something
They did
‘bout something
Starry,
starry night
THALES
was very bright
He could
count very well
Yet fell
into a well
Everything’s
from water
Said the
“first philosopher”
By that
he meant nothing
But how
the world’s existing
Next
time you see a stone
And you
think you’re alone
Take a
deep breath and sit
Then try
to drink from it
When
ANAXIMANDER
Tried
Thales’ water,
He said
it was tasteless—
‘Cause
he thirst for the “Boundless”
All of
the elements
Suffer
their punishments
And
through the “Boundless One”
Everything
had begun
Full of
air! Full of air!
His dear
friend didn’t care
So
ANAXIMENES
Rejected
the “Boundless”
Everything’s
from pure air
Disagree
don’t you dare
Or you
may stop breathing
And find
yourself dying
PYTHAGORAS
thus came
A
theorem was his fame:
By using
triangle
You
could be an angel
He’s
deeply religious
And
“number” was his cross
Math
entails salvation—
Bad news
for the moron
“Burn,”
said HERACLITUS,
The man
from Ephesus,
“From
ever-living fire
That
would never expire.”
You
cannot swim twice—
‘Tis a
serious advice—
Into the
same river
Unless
you’re a good a swimmer
Though
change is so constant,
Opposites
abundant,
Everything
has “reason”—
Idiots
are exception
Something
is if it is,
Argued
PARMENIDES,
But if
something is not…
W.T.F.,
so what!?
Change
is an illusion,
And
there is no motion
The real
is different
From
what is apparent
“Don’t
look,” said ZENO
“Try to
think, comprendo?”
But the
arrow’s coming,
Shouldn't he do something?
All this
“permanence” thing
Needs
deep understanding
To guide
your behavior
And be
your own savior
That’s
why EMPEDOCLES
Thought
the “many” were changeless—
Earth,
air, fire, and water—
He leapt into a crater!
Things
form and separate
Only
through “love” and “hate”
That’s
cyclical, of course,
He didn't trust in divorce
There’s
ANAXAGORAS,
Who
might loved agoras,
Put some
“mind” in matter
And
insisted for order
It’s
rotary motion
That put
things in action:
To be
something, it is
To
suffer dizziness!
The followed
LEUCIPPUS,
Followed
by DEMOCRITUS,
Next was
hard “atom”
Moving
in a vacuum
Atomists
had a rule:
That one
should be cheerful
“Forget
about purpose!”
Said
laughing Democritus
But I
guess one must sense
That
there’s a difference
‘Tween
the old and the new
Atomistic
view
The
emerged the Sophists,
The
great “relativists”
They
teach you, and you pay,
Debate
and power-play
PROTAGORAS
said that
Of
things that are and not,
Man is
the sole measure—
For that
we can be sure
And of
matters moral—
They’re simply
cultural;
Just a
little respect
And an
open intellect
Truth
with capital “T”
For
GORGIAS it couldn't be
There’s
nothing true at all
And he’s
an example
“Might
is right” is alright
As long
as you can fight—
This for
TRASYMACHUS
Wasn't that so vicious
But the
dear SOCRATES
Sought
goodness, truth, justice,
And,
especially, good life,
So he
became a “midwife”
Knowledge
equals virtue—
That
applies to me and you;
Evil is
ignorance—
That
applies to the dunce
And
because of this news,
Athenians
were outrageous;
So the
“gadfly” was tried
And by
hemlock he died
PLATO
had broad shoulder
But he
was no soldier
And he,
out of his form,
Made the
“theory of Form”
He wrote
the “Republic”
Where
“Form” has some magic
To free
you from the “cave”
And help
you to behave
He
longed to be a king,
A
“Philosopher-King”
This to
someone he told
As a
slave he was sold
ARISTOTLE’s
the name
And
logic was his game
His
books after “physics”
Were
called “metaphysics”
He’s
pulled by the power
Of the
“unmoved mover”
He
called it “happiness”
Through
moderate choices
You, who
are unable
To live
with other people,
Must be
god or something,
Or maybe
a nothing
“So if
that is the case,
What
results could it raise?”
EPICURUS
inquired,
From
guessing he was tired
In his school/garden
All
pains were forbidden
But
disciplined pleasure
He would
always ensure
The
enjoyment of the fish?
No,
that’s so foolish!
This
atheist would've burst
That you
should think first
ZENO,
not from Elea,
Declaimed
on the stoa
He
called himself “stoic:”
Fearless
and heroic
There
were other stoics, too:
SENECA
and CICERO,
Brave
MARCUS AURELIUS,
And
slave EPICTETUS
Fear not
of extinction,
Be
controlled wise person
For
“god” sees everything
Except
when they’re mating
“Skeptic”
meant seeker
Like PYRRHO
(the founder),
SEXTUS
EMPIRICUS,
And
strange ARCESILAUS
Mental
peace or calmness
From
philosophic diff’rences—
Let’s
not be dogmatic
Doubt
this if you’re skeptic
PLOTINUS
planned for his
Own
“Platonopolis”
He’s
avid Platonist
And
consistent theist
If God,
for him, is One
And
brings light like the sun,
Then God
is the brightest,
But who
is the dumbest?
AUGUSTINE
of Hippo
Was a
fan of Plato
Joined
the Christian forces
And
“confessed” his vices
He’s
faith over reason
And God
over person
“Out of nothing”
and “justice”
He made
his “two cities”
BOETHIUS
had a long name
But
others took his fame
While
inside the prison
He wrote
his “Consolation”
He
thought philosophy
As if it
was really
A woman
he needed—
He was
consoled, indeed
PSEUDO-DIONYSIUS
Wasn’t
so ambitious:
He had
such godly claims
That he
knew divine names
What
more could he ask for
Than
enter heaven’s door
And
drink some angel’s soda
Through
“via negativa”
In
ERIGENA’s life
He didn't go for a wife
He hoped
his “super-god”
Would
never make him sad
“Division
of Nature”
Was a
good procedure
It’s
really fantastic
Sort of
arithmetic(?)
And ST.
ANSELM the smart
Knew
deep down in his heart:
God’s
the greatest being
He
conceived through thinking
The
fool’s said in his heart
Certainly,
it is fart
Which is
the least being
He
conceived by smelling
Gifted
AVICENA,
The
thinker form Persia,
Of high
intelligence
With
Muslim preference
God is
necessary
And
“first cause” actually;
God
created the “mind”
Fit to
know God’s behind
AVERROES
disagreed
And
exposed his own creed
“God is
no creator!”
Said the
“commentator”
He’s
famous for his cute
“Doctrine
of double truth”
Indeed,
he’s very wise
He
considered things twice
MAIMONIDES
the Jew
Stood up
for his view
His
“Guide of the Perplexed”
Was
about..uhm…next
Next was
ST. THOMAS
Also
called Aquinas
Ha was
born near Naples
Oh, how
he loved nape-ples
He told
his great idol,
The
bored Aristotle,
That
“laws” and “proofs” will do
To give
God his “due”
‘Nless
you’re Dominican
And
bright theologian,
Never read
his “summa”
Or
suffer mental coma
A man
named SCOTUS
Let his
“one” God choose
According
to his will
To drive
the world’s wheel
But
WILLIAM OF OCKHAM
Urged
for cutting program:
“Avoid
wordy labor
Using
Ockham’s razor!”
ECKHART
had a business
Located
n “darkness”
It’s a
nice “mystic” shop
If you
find it have a stop
PICO’s
“humanism”
Was pure
euphemism
The
truth is God forgot
To give
man the right slot
Cunning
MACHIAVELLI,
From
Florence, Italy,
Argued
that politics
Means
amoral techniques
To amend
for his “sins”
He voted
for the “Prince”
It’s
unmanly, I guess,
To
choose for the “Princess”
LUTHER
had some theses
Against
the Pope’s abuses:
Salvation’s
not for sale,
And in
hell there’s no bail
“If
you’re sinner,” he said
“Buy the
Bible instead.”
Luther
was Protestant
And much
better merchant
ERASMUS
could write Greek
And
somewhat of a critic
He
praised the priest’s “folly”
And
mocked all the clergy
He said
“We have free will
And
faith is what we feel”
He hated
every beast
‘Cause
he’s a “human-ist”
MONTAIGNE
wrote his “essays”
In
skeptical ways:
“There’s
nothing so handsome”
As to
think with freedom
He’s a
French, certainly’
But on
the contrary
He
doubted even this
And much
more the French kiss
Though
PASCAL’s so smart
He also
had a “heart”
And his
“heart” was thinking
While
his brain was beating
It’s
better to believe
In God
and to receive—
You bet
he’s a thinker
And a
serious “gambler”
Since
“knowledge is power”
BACON
made the freezer;
Instead
of the chicken,
It’s he
who was frozen
The
“idols of the mind”
That
“ school-men” so divined—
He
really hated them
As much
as the chicken
In-love
with geometry
HOBBES
did philosophy
Lived up
to ninety-one
Writing
his “Leviathan”
“Man is
a wolf to man”
And also
to woman
To avoid
foul contact,
Sign the
“social contract”
“Cogito,
ergo sum”
Was
DESCARTES’ known dictum
He
doubted everything
Except
what he’s writing
He
thought he’s the “father”
Or the
modern founder
Of
Rationalism—
But God
just “deceived” him
Out of
thinking business
And
grinding some lenses,
Banished
SPINOZA
Learned
God meant “natura”
If you
found his math book
Named
“Ethics,” take a look
You can
read it really
“In
view’f eternity”
LEIBNIZ
loved his “monads”
‘Cause
they’re like the nomads
They’re
not only homeless
But also
“windowless”
Since
God is very good
He
cooked the “world” like food
You know
God gave his “best”
You have
a meal, at least.
But
LOCKE used his “senses”
To
gather “qualities”
Yet
found himself so locked
In his
“social contract”
“The
mind at birth is empty;
Knowledge
comes gradually”
Now it
seems I get it
Some
people aren't born yet
“To be,”
BERKELEY believed
“Is just
to be perceived.”
A
thing’s non-existent
If you
see it’s absent
If it
hurts to the bone
When you
kick a large stone,
Like the
one Johnson hit,
Blame God
for “seeing” it
Thought
individually
Between
the things you see
There’s
no real “connection”—
That’s
HUME’s observation
The
ideas you have
And the
concepts you love
Aren't “certain” effects
Caused
by the objects
He
denied everything
Even
what he’s writing
Descartes
would have said this:
“Hume’s
out of his senses!”
HERBERT
claimed he’s “deist”
And not
just a theist
He found
God through “reason”
Didn't meet him in person
VOLTAIRE
liked deism
But
disliked atheism
In his
“dictionary”
God’s
the main entry
A
“philosophe” he’s one
But not
a God’s fan
The
“encyclopedia”
Was
DIDEROT’s idea
ROUSSEAU
made “confession”
‘Bout
moral corruption
We need
“social contract”
To
freely think and act
He
forced himself to be
So “chain-fully
free”
Then
praised the ignorant
And
married a servant
Though
he’s a friend of Hume’s
REID
never did assume
Of
doubting everything—
Not the
book he’s writing
He used
his commonsense
The
“Scottish commonsense”
And
called his friend absurd
But Hume
denied the word
KANT’s a
famous German
Who didn't court a woman
His
mind’s “transcendental”
His
appearance “critical”
He
caused a revolution
And
fought by “pure reason”
He died
for his “duty”
And
proved God moral-ly
“There
are some thing we can’t
Really
know,” said old Kant—
So the “thing-in-itself”
Is like
“Kant-in-himself”
Oh, the
brilliant HEGEL
Soared
high like an eagle
So high
that he opined
He’s the
“Absolute Mind”
His
rational mistress
“Dialectic
Process”
Became
the third party
In his
“reality”
He lived
for “Idea”
And died
from cholera
So Hegel
is “Being”
And
Hegel is “Nothing”
While
Hegel’s so lively
SCHOPENHAUER’s
so gloomy
He had
“sufficient reason”
For his
sad condition
Life,
for him, was business
With
little happiness
But the
true pessimist
Is the
one who persists
“The
world was his idea”
But not
the cholera
Through
music and painting
He didn't become “nothing”
For
BENTHAM, “good” is this:
The
greatest happiness
Of the
greatest number
Of
people who suffer
If you
go for pleasure,
That’s
rational for sure
But if
you go for pain,
Something’s
wrong with your brain
But MILL
chose “quality”:
Not
pushpin but poetry
So don’t
be like a pig;
You
should think and feel big
Together
they’re happy
With
their “utility”—
Good for
moral thinking
But
better for cleaning
COMTE’s own
catechism
Was
“positivism”:
God is
humanity;
Religion’
society
He’s
self-appointed “priest”
His
saints were scientists
He’s
looking for converts,
Or
should I “Comte-verts”?
KIERKEGAARD’s
“stages”
Were
like Hegel’s “process”
He liked
man’s “existence”
But not
Hegel’s presence
“Either”
he’s looking good
“Or”
he’s just doing good
“Either”
he praised the Lord
“Or”
he’s really “absurd”
MARX’s
also German
And he’s
once Hegelian,
Became
materialist,
Finally,
communist
History’s
a process:
“Struggle
‘tween the classes”
And
“bloody revolution”
Was his
clean solution
I know
there’s a basis
When
wise Marx proclaimed this:
Don’t
you try religion
It leads
to addiction
He
sought God! He sought God!
‘Til his
totally mad
But what
if “God is dead”?—
Live a
life NIETZSCHE said
Say
“yes,” never say “no”
Be a
superhero
‘Go
“beyond” your “values”’
Said the
godless Jesus
Use the
“will-to-power”
To be
your self’s “master”
Learn
his philosophy,
Not his
insanity
PEIRCE’s
pragmatism
Was
“pragmaticism”
Words
must be meaningless
If
there’s no “consequences”
He was
so “practical”
Even
more critical
But
though his name was Peirce
He got
nothing on his purse
“What
difference would it make
If one
is true or fake?”
For
JAMES, pragmatism
Meant
“cash-value-ism”
What
“works” is true and real
And
life’s based on free-will
He used
his “will-to-believe”
To be
well-to-receive
When
done with medicine
And
bored with what he’d seen
He took
philosophy
And gave
Peirce a penny
We need
“education”
That’s
DEWEY’s suggestion
His
habit of acting
Was
pragmatic thinking
He’s so
intelligent
His
mind’s an “instrument”
His
values, scientific;
His
goals, democratic
In case
you credit him
With
decimal system
His
first name’s John,
He’s not
the librarian
He
thought in “duration”
Using
“intuition”
BERGSON’s
“reality”
Was full
of “sympathy”
His
mystical “life force”
He
shared it, of course,
Through
mysterious “process”
With a
lady, I guess?
“One’s
not isolated,”
Said the
wise old WHITEHEAD
World’s
“creative process”
Lies in
“connectedness”
His
“actual occasion”?
His deep
com-“prehension”?
And his
strong “nexus”?—
They’re
none of your business!
Since
the head was Plato,
And
Whitehead was the toe—
Plato
was head-noted
Whitehead
was foot-noted
RUSSEL
made a logic
Which he
called “atomic”
Indeed,
it’s really small,
So he
used a “symbol”
He’s
language-analyst
And he’s
not a theist
Though a
factual thinker,
He’s
habitual smoker
Oh, the
Vienna Circle,
‘Cross
the English channel,
Were
“circular” critics
Of bad
metaphysics
CARNAP’s
philosophy:
“Verifiability”
Don’t
argue against this
Or be
called “meaningless”
WITTGENSTEIN’s
not German
But pure
Austrian—
Bored of
engineering,
Took
philosophizing
When
he’s still young and bold,
He’s
logically “old;”
When his
”gay” hair turned gray,
He made
new “games” to play
Indeed,
he loved silence
More
than meta-nonsense
And his
only message:
Watch
your “use” of language
AUSTIN
was from Oxford
He did
his thing with “word”
When
he’s asked about this,
He pled
for “excuses”
He
watched his own language
And thought
about the message:
There is
philosophy
In
saying “excuse me”
Phenomenology
Was
HUSSERL’s pet theory
It bit
his “intention”
To get
his attention
When the
German Nazi’s
Put him
into crisis
He
hugged his Jewish pet
And
thought it to “bracket”
HEIDEGGER’s
a student
In
Husserl’s department
He liked
“being-there”
Than
being Heidegger
He was
once a Nazi
And he
admired Nietzsche
He felt
himself sublime
In his
“Being and Time”
One
might as well take note
This-is-the-way-he-wrote
Or-translated,
maybe
Her-men-uet-ic-ally
JASPER’s
philosophy
Was
called “philosophie”
Jasper’s
existence
He
called it “existenz”
It’s
truly transcendent
And no
mere accident
Existential
thinking
Was
based on spelling
Being is
“subjective”—
No, it’s
not “objective!”
So MARCEL’s
a subject
‘Cause
he’s not an object
When he
was thirty-nine
He felt
himself divine;
He, out
of some magic,
Became a
Catholic
Existentialism
Is an
atheism
SARTRE
lived for “freedom”
Almost
ad nauseam
Sartre’s
for existence
De
Beauvoir’s for “essence”
‘Cause
Sartre’s the first sex
De
Beauvoir’s the “second sex”
He
taught “consciousness,”
“Being”
and “nothingness”
And the
coolest would be:
“Let’s
drink responsibly”
MERLEAU-PONTY’s
vision
Was
Marxist “perception”
Aside
from his lectures
He had
some “adventures”
When
tired with Marxism
And
Catholicism,
He
turned his perception
To
Sartre’s great ambition
Existentialism
Was like
feminism
He’s
more than a lady
When he
said “I’m my body”
RYLE was
sad and sorry
For
Descartes’ mind-body
And he didn't want to make
A
“category mistake”
But what
he liked the most
Was to
beat down the “ghost”
That’s
like a force unseen
Living
in a “machine”
Your
mind and brain are one
The soul
is dead and gone—
That was
the final song
Of SMART
and ARMSTRONG
That
they’re “identical”
Is truly
logical:
Arm
strong had Smart
Armstrong
was so smart
Computers
understand?
That’s a
theory so grand!
So
SEARLE pushed a program
Against
“computer program”
Inside a
“Chinese room”
He
called for AI’s doom
So
robots followed Searle
Saying
“Aye, aye, Searle!”
RORTY
found an error
In the
nature’s “mirror”
He
looked for the message
But only
saw an “image”
He
turned to pragmatism
To make
a language prism
He
hailed “contingency”
And
“solidarity”
If you
want to read him
For his
“criticism”
Hope to
be “edified”
Not to
be satisfied
ANSCOMBE’s
virtue theory
Was
about morality
It’s
Aristotelian
Or maybe
Wittgensteinian
Neither
she’s a German
Nor
she’s an Austrian
But if
she’s a British,
Does it
mean she’s girlish?
Nodding’s
a feminist
And a moral
theorist
She
pushed for female “care”
About
which males didn't care
CAMUS’ a
journalist
And
existentialist
He’s a
“rebel” “stranger”
And an
“absurd” writer
He
looked like Humphrey Bogart
With
brave Algerian heart
He, with
all his soul,
Invented
“rock ‘n roll”
PIRSIG’s
got some IQ
And
“quality’s” the “Q”
He used
to have two “I’s”
And he’s
insanely wise
In his
bike and his yacht
There
was Zen—there was not
With
“Lila” in the sea
There
was pure “quality”
DERRIDA’s
construction
Was
called “deconstruction”—
Decentering
the focus
Away
from the “Logos”
He set
aside “binaries”
And
looked for the “traces”
Written
within the text
Until
he’s all perplexed
Dog-like
DIOGENES
Took
charge of his penis
So the
Greeks rebuked him
But the
dogs just bit him
He’s
Socrates gone mad
With
Plato he gone bad
And he’s
even bolder
Than
Great Alexander
He’s so
self-sufficient
But not
mind deficient—
His
freedom and frankness
Was no
simple madness
FOUCAULT’s
a brilliant gay
He died
from AIDS they say
He
defied his father
And put
things in “order”
Not
birth in the clinic
But
“birth of the clinic”
“History
of madness”
Madness
of histories
Under
Nietzsche’s “power”
He tried
“to dig” deeper—
He found
“sexuality”
And held
it “care”-fully
A
teacher named SARIO
Taught it’s
not a virtue
To be so
“arrogant”
As to
forget old Kant
And he’s
also Rawlsian
And too
much “Aquinian”(?)—
Maybe
in-love with his
Own love
for Socrates
An
unexamined life
Is not a
human life—
I wonder
now, of course,
Whether
I’m just a horse
